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Some very personal information
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My Journey … So Far
In 1982, the day my daughter graduated from high school, she was in a horrible wreck breaking every bone in her face; a passenger in the other car died. She was hospitalized for several months and had to have complete facial reconstruction. A little over a year later, she had to have brain surgery and came very close to dying from Meningitis directly related to the accident. Little did we know back then, but she also experienced Traumatic Brain Injury. I remember driving down Alcoa Highway where she wrecked thinking, “All these awful things wouldn’t be happening to me and my family if it weren’t for the way I’m living.” I was a cocaine addict who had gotten up to an ounce a day and I was completely out of control.
When I went to treatment November 23, 1985, I began my recovery and have been continuously clean chemically since. I began working the steps, but when I got to the 3rd step, I was stuck. There was religious abuse in my early life where I learned awful things about God … that He was angry, punishing and vindictive. I was blaming Him for my daughter’s wreck and hurts. So, how in the world could I even consider ‘turning my will and my life over’ to that kind of God?
Father Michael Sweeney, a wonderful Catholic Priest helped me come to a different understanding of God. He asked me to forget everything I had ever learned about God and sit down and make a list of the characteristics and attributes I would like God to have. I wrote, ‘forgiving, loving, powerful, understanding, compassionate, One who would have time for me, One who would listen to me, etc.’ Father Sweeney said, “Pete, this is God as you understand Him and don’t you ever let anyone tell you that it isn’t good enough.” That was the beginning of my Spirituality.
I had been wealthy most of my adult life and came into recovery still a millionaire; but in 1991 I was forced into bankruptcy. I had been a volunteer counselor and took in a partner to run my three businesses for me. He screwed up and I lost two homes worth well over a half million dollars, three businesses that brought in over $100,000.00 a year after taxes, my Mercedes and Phoebe’s Volvo, and a lot more stuff. Interestingly, the year before, I had begun praying that I could have ‘a closer relationship with God and Phoebe and that my life would be more simple.’ I ended up getting all three prayers answered. I know God didn’t cause me to lose everything, but He gave me what I needed and had asked for. Without God, I would not have been able to make it through that difficult time. I was not just losing stuff; I was losing my whole ‘identity.’ I had, in my mind, become what I owned. And, without it, Pete was nothing. Phoebe was a nurse and went to work after years of affluent leisure. I went to work at a treatment center. We both, together, began another difficult journey. I ended up at CAC where I treated addictions and abuse issues. In my third year of recovery, I spent 6 weeks at The Meadows dealing with past abuse issues. I was sexually abused as a little boy and have had the opportunity to help others heal from their abuse issues. Going to The Meadows was a wonderful gift I gave myself.
I don’t think I would have ever known who I was with the wealth. Since losing it, I have found ‘me’ and, for the most part, I love myself. Phoebe has also regained her identity beyond ‘Pete’s wife,’ ‘the kid’s Mom,’ etc. We both are happier than we ever were with all that wealth. But, as things got better, my relationship with God began slipping. I didn’t think about God nearly as much, I didn’t pray much at all.
Ten or eleven years ago, I began doing a Domestic Violence Men’s group at Cokesbury Center. One of the things I immediately noticed was the number of families who were there for all the different activities. They all, Moms, Dads and the kids, looked so happy, so contented, so together. My first thought was, “Gosh, I wish some of my clients could have had these experiences; they wouldn’t need all this therapy they now need.” Nine out of ten of my female clients had been sexually abused, all had been emotionally abused and many had been physically abused. At Cokesbury, I began noticing signs about “Celebrate Recovery” and I began to read the brochures. I thought it sounded interesting and I finally began attending around Thanksgiving, 2004. What a wonderful concept; Celebrate Recovery! So many look at recovery as the end of their social life, their fun, their joy; they look at recovery as drudgery. But, this is a place where folks who know pain, loneliness, fear, shame, etc., can come and feel welcome and ‘a part of.’ A place where they too can began healing.
Someone mentioned that Sunday Services at Cokesbury were very similar to the services at Celebrate Recovery so I decided to check it out. I had begun to feel guilty that I only stayed connected to God in hard times when I needed Him. If I am going to celebrate my recovery why not celebrate God? Why do things have to be bad to have that connectedness? So, around the first part of April, I began attending the Services at Cokesbury. Phoebe and I both have joined the church and go to the traditional side now. They talk about a God who loves us. More than once I have heard that ‘there is nothing we can do to cause God to love us any more or any less.’ This God they talk about is exactly the One whom I described on that sheet of paper back in my early recovery. I have to believe that God, Himself, helped me write that list, that He helped me begin to see who He really is.
I remember January 2, 1979 when we sold a family business and my part was almost $2,000,000.00. I was already wealthy, but now I thought, “I’ll never have a another problem again.” At the time, I was severely addicted to cocaine, had no trust, I had no real friendships, my wife and I had no true intimacy, and I had no relationship with God. I was counting on the money to bring me happiness. How sad! It didn’t take long for my addiction to completely bring me down to the bottom.
This would be the place for, “And, they lived happily ever after” but addiction comes in a lot of forms. I didn’t pay attention to my ‘love & sex addiction’ and got into trouble. At The Meadows, I was diagnosed with a Sex & Love Addiction, but I think I looked at it as something I had had – not as something I have and will need to continue to address. The folks at Cokesbury confronted me, I told the truth and they helped me get back on track. They were remarkable. Addiction truly is, ‘cunning, baffling and powerful … and, patient.’ Months of therapy (provided by the church) helped me understand that early on, I had developed two ‘core beliefs’ which were the cause of all of my screw-up, failures and losses; that I am 'inadequate and unlovable.' I continue to struggle with challenging these illogical, irrational beliefs but have made a lot of progress.
And, now … years later, here I stand. A member of a wonderful church, clean and sober for over 24 years (over 3 from Sex & Love Addiction), a wonderful relationship with my wife, Phoebe (who has stuck with me through so much indescribable hurt), my children, a pretty simple life, and a relationship with God who loves me as I have never before known. It's all really a miracle.
Pete Shelton
2-20-10
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Cokesbury United Medhodist Church
www.cclive.org
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